Balancing the Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Seeking a Committed Partnership
Being a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved many, largely pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a committed partnership which continued for four years, however I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin to date any man, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with other men once more.
Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, often resulting in lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire another man to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I fear the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to continue to have casual sex and accept that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel a bit lost.
Each individual's intimate path varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate various forms of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; eventually you might become more decisive and find some clarity and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. One day you could encounter someone offering a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting your desires in a holistic fashion … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over the future and engaging in endless speculation is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay present with your partners, and see the value of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to deepen genuine closeness with one partner, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American psychotherapist who specialises in addressing intimacy issues.
